Today I shall share a dirty little secret with you.
Okay, so it’s not really a secret, per se. And it might not be very dirty. Or even mildly shady.
Oh, FORGET IT. I don’t know what you people expect from me, anyway. I mean, the bulk of this blog so far has been dedicated to ramblings on Dustbusters and scheming Chinese factory workers. To be perfectly honest, I have very little left in me. I have found that once you get handheld vacuums and the Fate of the Industrial World out of the way, blog fodder is kind of slim.
All I was going to admit is this: I really, really like celebrity gossip. As in way too much. I can tell you the history of Mariah Carey’s latest wedding ring, break down the stages that led to Britney’s current hair color, and even explain–with visual aids–why Jude Law is apparently irresistible despite being 61% bald. I also possess what I consider to be a distinctly well-supported theory on how the fact that Zac Efron spells his first name without a “k” is irrefutable proof that he is gay. Which is fine, him being approximately five decades too young for me and all.
Even if there was a "k," I think I'd have a strong case.
I remain unsure of how I became this person. I used to be the one who whipped out her copy of The New Yorker at the hair salon, loudly ignoring the well-thumbed copies of People while frowning cerebrally over a piece on homeless performance artists in America. Yes, I’d listen to the 30-second bit of celebrity gossip on the local news, but that was because I was watching THE NEWS and was therefore only suffering such drivel because I had to if I wanted to watch THE NEWS.
Then I started to work from home. As glamorous as writing features for seventh-grade American history textbooks might sound, you’d be positively gobsmacked by the constant dryness. Not one of those colonial patriots had a sex video leaked. It’s like squeezing water from a stone to find a single nineteenth-century U.S. president who decked a paparazzo. And don’t even get me started on the ladies of the temperance movement. If there was ever a group of people who needed the universe’s largest pitcher of margaritas, it was them.
Witness Frances E. Willard, the perpetually non-hungover second national president of the Woman's Christian Temperance Union.
Given all that, visiting PerezHilton.com or thesuperficial.com now and then seemed harmless enough. Gossip gave me welcome and mindless relief, a respite that refreshed and enlivened my writing. Should they ever know, my clients would actually commend me for knowing as much as I did about the Hanson brothers.
Then years passed. I had Aura. I’ve downshifted to part-time writing. Yet I still can’t help myself. It’s almost like punishment for succumbing to what has become my suburban lifestyle, a kind of cyber self-flagellation. For instance, Angelina Jolie delivered Shiloh, Sacred Baby of Namibia, a mere four months before I had Aura. Yet I look like, well, how I look, and Angie looks like this:
The burning question hovers: Is a habit this stupid worth breaking? It takes me all of 15 minutes a day to catch up on which starlet fell out of Colin Farrell’s BMW last night. Sure, that is 15 minutes I could put toward combatting world hunger or teaching Aura how to write the number 5 properly. But that is also 15 minutes when I think about absolutely nothing, with the exception of a fleeting consideration of how I would look with auburn hair extensions. And thinking about nothing might be just too valuable to give up.
Erin said,
January 11, 2010 @ 4:33 pm
I don’t judge! Read whatever you want—I read junk as well as the good stuff. Whatever works for you, I say. Whenever I indulge in an US weekly or a People rag mag, I feel a sweet sense of calm come over me. It’s kinda like my crack. An escape from reality into an alternate reality, sort of.
Thanks so much for stopping by my blog! I’m here to return the favor. About to start follow you!
Sara said,
January 11, 2010 @ 8:17 pm
No shame in loving gossip. NO. SHAME.
(Off I go to check out Dlisted for today…)
Karen said,
January 11, 2010 @ 9:42 pm
How you look is awesome!…and apparently Angelina was so hungry during that photo shoot that she was driven to nibbling on her VERY OWN ARM for a snack. (Is it bad to use “that twice in the same sentence? I am so self-concious about posting comments ever since your entry on correct grammar).
Does this mean that Angie is your Celebrity Other? Mine is Julia Roberts, cuz we’re the same age. Whenever life gets tough, I think whew, it could be worse – look at what Julia’s been through. Oh, except that I’m not up on celebrity gossip..so could you check into Julia’s status for me? Thanks.
Peace Love and Lemonade said,
January 12, 2010 @ 12:44 pm
Just finsihed scrolling TMZ for the “Bachelor” girl who was kicked off last night’s show.
I’m Gary and I’m a reality addict…..
Never-showered said,
January 12, 2010 @ 6:59 pm
The minute I get my Time magazine I flip to the back to see what good movies are out. So much for being informed about world events. And that’s after I’ve read my US magazine cover to cover in less than 30 minutes. (just to see what they are all wearing)
Karen said,
January 15, 2010 @ 8:39 am
Thanks for “coming out.” I think many of us have this dirty little secret and mine is a once a week bubble bath while reading US Weekly. It just might be my favorite 30 minutes of the week, next to How I Met Your Mother. Actually, I get frustrated with people who don’t know (or pretend not to know) about pop culture. There is time for everything if we use it wisely. Now, a Golden Globes weekend….pure heaven!
Christina said,
January 17, 2010 @ 5:42 pm
LOVE this one. So true about the celeb gossip. I have to admit- I was waiting in line today at the grocery store and bought the latest people magazine for one reason only…Heidi Montag is addicted to plastic surgery! Hello- earth shattering news! Had to buy it
foxy said,
January 20, 2010 @ 10:15 am
I have the same guilty pleasure. And I usually keep it to myself, but if someone starts asking about the name of so-and-so’s newest kid or if Rob and Kristen are really dating, I pipe up and answer their question like it’s nobody’s business. And I’ll give proof, if necessary. It’s ridiculous, really, but i love it.