As far as vices go, I’m not exactly overloaded, at least in terms of wild vices that will lead to my downfall and eventually a heartwrenching yet ultimately inspiring true-story movie. I do drink what has to be an unhealthy amount of Diet Coke. Yet somehow I don’t see that translating into an award-winning screenplay. I mean, would you watch How I Said No to Aspartame: The Kate House Story? Nah. Neither would I. Unless the studio cast Philip Seymour Hoffman for it, perhaps as my soda-abuse counselor. That guy is like cinema GOLD.
All joking aside, I really should try to wean myself from Diet Coke. I did go cold turkey when I was pregnant and nursing. But the day Aura wiped the last drop of breastmilk from her mouth, I had a can in my hand. I don’t drink coffee, I don’t like coffee. So I justify my soda habit as “my coffee,” the way I get my caffeine fix.
I’m not kidding myself, though. I’ve read enough about aspartame and other artificial sweeteners to know that they can’t be helping my health. And whenever Aura edges my glass toward her and asks if she can have a taste, I answer with an unequivocal “No!”
“Why not, Mommy?” Aura will ask, having been allowed to sample other carbonated beverages on occasion, including root beer, which she now believes is the nectar of the gods and potentially almost as good as chocolate milk.
“Diet Coke’s not good for kids,” I explain, passing her a bowl of organic broccoli and a plate of free-range, antibiotic-and-hormone-free chicken.
“But is it good for grown-ups?” she returns.
“Well…it depends…hmmmm. Maybe not,” I stutter, disgusted that kids these days are so LOGICAL. I tell you, it’s this focus on critical-thinking skills in American education. The U.S. school system will soon be the ruin of the good old-fashioned parental lie.
Yet I’m just not ready. There are some afternoons when only a swing through the drive-thru for a large Diet Coke, so bubbly and delicious in its fountain-drink form, gets me through the rest of the day. I have a sip and I’m better in so many ways. A better parent! A better wife! A better friend! (I believe Meg Ryan presented this exact same argument in When a Man Loves a Woman. Or maybe it was Ewan McGregor in Trainspotting. Someone said something, I know that.)
But I do need to make some changes to my diet. As a first step, I gave up chocolate this week. There’s no specific reason, except that I eat way too much sweet stuff and most of it seems to have chocolate in it. Sometime last weekend, I decided that if I cut out chocolate for a little while, then it would follow that I would also cut down on snacking and desserts.
Four days in, I’m on the fence as to the success of this plan. Turns out you can bake and buy all kinds of yummy stuff that does not include chocolate! Macaroons, for one. Large bags of toffee bits, for another. (Do not be fooled by the toffee-bit manufacturer’s claim that they are for baking. After all, baking is a state of mind. You put yours in your cookie dough, I put mine straight into my mouth. Que sera sera.)
It’s not easy, though. Everywhere I look, there’s chocolate. The grocery store is obviously a minefield. The restaurant at the children’s museum is teeming with cacao-based treats. Even the mall! You walk into a candle store, you’re immediately surrounded by Chocolate Chip Cookie candles and Chocolate Cream Pie candles and Triple Chocolate Candied Chocolate Drop candles. I will never again be shocked by the American obesity rate. I now see that it’s a miracle the United States still has a population at all. With all these candles burning, tempting us to hit up the cookie jar, it’s a miracle we haven’t keeled over collectively, the resulting THUMP! softened by our sweet-scented rolls of fat.
You know what? I kind of like it up here on my new, chocolate-free soapbox. If you bring a Diet Coke with you, it really does feel just like home.
Taryn said,
February 4, 2010 @ 3:02 pm
I am so with you on the Diet Coke addiction. Maybe we could get a group discount on Diet Coke Rehab? On the days that I work, I drink Monster Energy Low-Carb, which I’m sure is as healthy as drinking gasoline. Sometimes when I head to Costco to buy a 36 pack of pop I do imagine what my “Intervention” episode will be like. They’ll offer me water and I’ll scream and cry and pull my head away and my mom will talk about how I loved V8 as a child and she doesn’t know what she did wrong. That’s quality TV right there!
LZ said,
February 4, 2010 @ 4:00 pm
Mmmmm… phosphoric acid robbing you of your calcium.
http://www.webmd.com/osteoporosis/features/soda-osteoporosis
The study was done by Tufts so it has to be right…
dg at diaryofamadbathroom said,
February 4, 2010 @ 7:35 pm
Great post.
As a unrepentant coffee drinker, I know what it is to give up the brew you love, nay, crave for the sake of the bambini. I am also familiar with how fast that beverage boomerangs back into your hand, once you are no longer a food source to anyone.
Good luck divesting yourself of the diet coke and/or it’s evil cousin, chocolate. I think I’d sooner give up the theobromines than the caffiene. But, truth is, could probably never really give up either.
Karen said,
February 4, 2010 @ 8:49 pm
Oh come on! Don’t deprive us of our chance for you-as-a-Lifetime-movie. PUT. THE CAN. DOWWWWWN.
And LZ is totally right, diet sodas will turn you into a skeleton of, well, a skeleton. I have a PhD. You can trust me.
Sara said,
February 4, 2010 @ 9:12 pm
Confession time. I don’t like sweets. How weird is that? So you should just come to my house, and I shall bake for you. I like the baking, not the eating. See how that works?
What’s that? You’re trying to cut that mess out? Hmm. Nevermind then.
P.S. I make AH-MAZING oatmeal cookies with those toffee chips. Not helping? I’ll move on then…
bflynn said,
February 4, 2010 @ 11:05 pm
I think we all need vices. Now while my coffee vice is in all ways superior to a Diet Coke vice (I mean, ewww!), I’m willing to allow you to continue to have flaws, if only to make myself look better.
T.J. said,
February 5, 2010 @ 1:57 pm
My vice is coffee. I had quit cold turkey during my pregnancy and nursing, but now it’s slowly creeped back and i don’t really have awesome excuses to say no any more! I only really have 2 cups a day, but I always think about how healthy I’d be if I had none (I consider this while drinking a coffee I might add!)
foxy said,
February 5, 2010 @ 3:49 pm
My addictions are coffee and red wine. Can’t do without them. And I’m definitely more of a salty kinda girl, but every once in a while (PMS) I just have to have some chocolate!!!
Sarah C. said,
February 5, 2010 @ 9:36 pm
I am so a diet coke addict! And I did drink it occasionally during my pregnancy. In my defense, my dr. said it was ok in moderation. Now? I have to really watch myself and try not to go overboard with it.
blueviolet said,
February 6, 2010 @ 7:23 pm
I have the same unhealthy obsession with Diet Coke. I can’t seem to weaken my lust for it!!! I crave it with every cell!!!! If you find the way to say no, tell me, tell me, tell me!!!!!
Becca said,
February 7, 2010 @ 9:05 pm
must…have…coffee…
Erin said,
February 8, 2010 @ 11:51 am
I gave up Diet Coke a few months ago and it was the best thing I ever did. I figured out it was giving me horrid stomach pains. I attributed it to the artificial sweeteners….not long after stopping, my stomach stopped hurting. Go figure. I miss it, I really do. I had 1/2 of one last week (kiddos had been sick, had not slept in days, and I hate coffee just like you) and it wasn’t worth it. Stomach pain came back later that day. But those few gulps were sooooo freakin’ good and even now writing about it I am dying for one. But I will regret it later.
If it helps, I did wean myself gradually…I”m no health nut to be sure, but I loathe artificial sweeteners. I wish my hubs would stop—he drinks coffee daily with SPLENDA and then switches over to Diet COke in the afternoons…..
Brahm said,
February 9, 2010 @ 6:46 am
Ooh, so true… Diet Coke is my downfall, and in a good way. That and pizza are the perfect meal, up to about five times a day.
I used to run five days a week, so really didnt matter what the hell I ate, now is effing cold winter so I go to the gym maybe twice a week in a good week and just eat more and write my blog. Mysteriously my clothes are getting tighter. Not sure why.
Great post – my first time here – will be back!!!