and then kate

Whenever I listen to mainstream pop music, it immediately occurs to me that the genre is not exactly riddled with rocket scientists. As we head into the weekend, please allow me to highlight a few examples.

Tik Tok, Ke$ha

Before I leave, brush my teeth with a bottle of Jack
Cause when I leave for the night, I ain’t coming back
I’m talking – pedicure on our toes, toes
Trying on all our clothes, clothes

Now, I’m not overly familiar with Ke$ha’s background, though it apparently included one ill-advised decision to eschew the letter s. I do know that around these parts, it is extremely difficult to get a pedicure on any part of your body except your toes. But I guess you have to be really, really clear about that in Ke$ha’s neck of the woods.

Empire State of Mind, Jay-Z

Yeah, Im’ma up at Brooklyn,
Now I’m down in Tribeca,
Right next to DeNiro,
But I’ll be hood forever,
I’m the new Sinatra

To me, Jay-Z does and will always look like a wildly misplaced accountant. Go on, try to tell me I’m wrong:

I’d like to meet the lyricist who took a look at Jay-Z, listened to his songs, and then thought, “Egads! This guy is JUST LIKE SINATRA.” I’m going to go out on a limb here and propose that this person is well acquainted with whoever suggested the dollar sign to Ke$ha. You know what? I bet they met in a Mensa meeting.

Obsession, Mariah Carey

It’s confusing yo, you’re confused you know
Why you wasting your time
Got you all fired up with your Napoleon complex
Seeing right through you like you’re bathing in Windex

Wait. What was I going to say about this again? Oh, right. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  And also: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

 Sexy Bitch, David Guetta featuring Akon

She’s nothing like a girl you’ve ever seen before
Nothing you can compare to your neighbourhood ho
I’m tryna find the words to describe this girl without being disrespectful

Now that’s a line that is begging to be tried out in a bar. Actually, maybe the lyricist already did. I’m thinking it went down something like this.

Lyricist: Girl, you are HOT.

Girl: Oh, yeah? How hot?

Lyricist: Well, it’s tricky to put it into words.

Girl: Go ahead, try. I’ve got time.

Lyricist: Okay. Let me start by saying that I cannot even compare you to the neighborhood ‘ho. Not even if I try REALLY, REALLY hard.

[Bouncer appears. End scene.]