I always knew those pegged jeans would come back to bite us in the butt.
February 17, 2010
…And on the seventh day God ended his work which he had made; and he rested on the seventh day from all his work which he had made.
DAY 8
Setting: 1980s, Earth
…And God looked down upon what he had created and was not pleased. “These people!” God said. “They are spending wildly and unwisely. Just look at all those Swatch watches and Tupperware parties. It is now time to show them the error of their ways.”
And so God introduced a new creation, one He believed would finally and quickly demonstrate to people how foolishly they were wasting their money. It was a creation, He predicted, that would end the problem once and for all. It was:
THE CLAW MACHINE
Unfortunately, God may have given His people a little too much credit. Turns out that as soon as one generation learns its Claw Machine lesson, another one comes along and needs some firm, costly educating, all over again.
Everyone blames the recession on the mortgage industry, but God? As always, He knows better.
***The winner of the Linaloos.com giveaway is Val! Yay, Val!
Leather seats make everything better. Even Daisy Duck.
February 15, 2010
Observations from this weekend’s viewing of Disney on Ice: Let’s Celebrate! (otherwise known as Disney on Ice: Let’s Throw Together Everything from Birthdays to a Hawaiian Luau and Call it a Holiday! Also, Let’s Claim That, and I Quote, “Christmas is the Holiday Celebrated Everywhere in the World!” Because at Disney We Say SCREW YOU to Political Correctness!).
If you find yourself roped into Disney on Ice, be sure to spring for the Club Level or whatever your local arena calls the area that shares space with the luxury boxes. Sure, your three-year-old might claim that the seats closer to the ice are better, but that’s because she doesn’t appreciate leather seats. LEATHER. Plus the Club Level has quieter, line-less bathrooms and a concession stand that sells salads. It’s nice to look at salads when you’re waiting in line for a bag of overpriced cotton candy. Just seems healthier, somehow.
Also, while on the subject of the Club Level (now alternatively named the Kate Needs to Get Out More Level), we should talk about the cupholders. As in somewhere to put your cup besides your lap, into which your $7 Diet Coke will surely spill, causing you to call the people responsible for the design of the arena Very Bad Names in a loud voice that attracts glares from other parents who apparently do not use Very Bad Names, so busy are they on their PATH TO SAINTHOOD.
(Sorry. Momentary flashback to last year’s Disney on Ice. It is possible that 2009 was not my best year. Let us move on to the actual show.)
So, perhaps the otherwise perfect Club Level does have the disadvantage of being a little too far away from the ice for great photographs. But rest assured, that is Goofy.
What is it with Goofy, anyway? Why is he even a character? I can only assume Mickey and Minnie stumbled upon him during recess one day and took immediate pity on him, what with all his cries of ”Gorsh!” and “Golly!” He’s like the simpering fool we’ve all known and been kind to but secretly wish would disappear. Let’s face it: Having a friend like Goofy is not good for anyone’s image.
Not that Minnie is exactly a shining beacon of intellect herself. I tell you, if she clasped her gloved hands and squealed ”Oh, Mickeeeeey!” one more time, I was going to march right down from the Club Level and deck her. It’s as if she’s determined to singlehandedly set women’s rights back 60 years. All while wearing a wardrobe completely made up of polka-dotted dresses. For the love of God, mouse: BUY SOME PANTS.
Mickey? Eh, it’s Mickey. His allure continues to mystify me. I mean, he’s okay, but how did an animal we would kill on sight in our households, a creature whose every other sentence is “Oh, boy!” become one of the most cherished icons in the world? Color me baffled.
I have nothing bad to say about Jasmine. On the contrary: She was always my favorite Disney heroine. And just look at that costume! The girl has abs of steel and is not afraid to bare them. Pretty ballsy, when you consider from where old Jas harkens. Somehow I don’t think she’d make it in much of the modern-day Middle East. But in Disney’s Middle East? No problemo. Bare navels for all.
Somewhere during the second half of the show, I realized that it is really only princes and a select few male country singers who can get away with a ponytail. The rest just look like those IT guys at work whom you know have a closet full of weird black t-shirts and regularly attend comic-book conventions.
Same with capes. Except not even country singers can get away with those suckers.
Finally, I’ve gotta give Daisy credit. Decades may have passed since her creation, yet she remains the same brassy broad she always was. Never mind the come-and-go Southern accent and her penchant for putting her hands on her hips to make her chest look more prominent. The duck would flirt with a broom if it looked like it took home a good salary. She wants it all: the mansion, the luxury car, the expensive furniture.
Well, hell. I for one know where she can find some nice leather seats.
You call them adorable, I call them jailbait with fur.
February 10, 2010
Miley Cyrus has gotten a lot of criticism for some recent choices, including certain navel-baring couture and that stint where she was writhing around a pole. However, after a recent visit to the mall, I’m thinking Build-A-Bear Workshop is actually responsible for the sluttification of America. That, and those little girls’ shorts with words emblazoned directly across the bum. Those suckers are downright bawdy.
To be clear, I’m talking about the sluttification of young girls, not boys. Boys who shop at Build-A-Bear are presented with a rather slim selection of behavioral suggestions. As far as I can tell, Build-A-Bear believes that a boy and his bear will want to act like a police officer, a fire fighter, or the kind of little nipper who would happily wear a High School Musical! emblazoned t-shirt. Oh, or a hunter. A chilly one.
But for girls? Build-A-Bear presents an armful of options! Many of them best accompanied by a stripper pole much like Miley’s! Here, let me show you.
Official B-A-B name: Gold Quilted Coat
Real Name: Even ‘Hos Get Cold
Why Your Bear Needs It: Because those street corners can get nippy.
Official B-A-B name: Pink Boa Slippers
Real Name: Nuances of Adult Entertainment
Why Your Bear Needs It: Because strippers get naked, but exotic dancers keep their shoes on.
Official B-A-B name: Pink Ruched Sequin Purse
Real Name: The Chinatown Special
Why Your Bear Needs It: Because escort services pay knockoff salaries, not designer salaries.
Official B-A-B name: Blonde Wig/Brown Wig
Real Name: Budget Photo Spread Solution
Why Your Bear Needs It: Because those cheapskates at Hustler don’t pay for extensions.
Official B-A-B name: Purple Sparkle Camera Cell Phone
Real Name: Purple Glitter Paycheck
Why Your Bear Needs It: Because pimps don’t call landlines anymore.
Seriously, though: What happened to the long, flannel nightgowns my Cabbage Patch Kids used to wear? Also, I distinctly remember the days when your Barbie wasn’t supposed to leave the house in a miniskirt. Unless it was Businesswoman Barbie, who was able to pass the skirt off as part of a power suit. OH, HOW THINGS HAVE CHANGED.
