Ooh, heaven is a place at Chuck E. Cheese.
March 2, 2010
Heaven—its existence, its contents—has gotten a lot of play over the centuries. Hemingway, unsurprisingly, thought heaven might be a bull-fighting ring. Longfellow imagined infinite meadows. Dante proposed a divine hierarchy of sorts. And we’re all pretty familiar with the Qur’an’s promise of a paradise flush with virgins.
To be fair, all of these predictions were made before American suburbia was in full swing. I’ll even stick my neck out here and presume that Dante never even visited a Chuck E. Cheese. For if he and the others had, if they had indeed breathed in the aroma of overpriced pan pizza and been nearly deafened by the sound of buzzing and beeping game machines, they would have witnessed heaven in its purest, most exact earthly form:
Skee ball.
I ask you: Is there anything more heavenly than the perfect thwump of a ball landing in the 5,000 point hole? Can you think of anything more divine than watching prize tickets pour out in a long, kinked paper chain? What, what, can possibly exceed the pleasure of watching the points counter go up and up, and up again?
Yeah, that’s right. NOTHING.
Well, I guess Muslims might disagree. Because judging from the number of kids there, the place wasn’t exactly packed with virgins.
As for hell? That’s easy. Hell is the sound of those mechanical animals’ eyeballs opening and closing. Creeeeaaaak click. Creeeeaaak click. I wish I could have gotten audio and embedded it here. Let’s just say it’s like the sound of your worst nightmare, times, oh, TEN TRILLION.
March 3, 2010 at 8:08 am
Altho my kids enjoyed it, Chuck-E-Cheese was always my idea of hell. The noise, the uber-stimulation everywhere you turn….I’m having flashbacks just thinking about it.
The first time we brought my son, at about 21 mos, he freaked out every time the mechanical creatures came to llife to sing. He had to be taken away he was so frightened. Altho in time he did enjoy parties there.
March 3, 2010 at 8:47 am
I’m SO happy my boys are finally at the age where Chuck-E holds no appeal for them. We spent far too many weekend afternoons amidst the clanging and ringing and buzzing and squealing. I have the headaches memories to prove it. Frankly, that big mouse kinda creeps me out. Can you imagine working there????
March 3, 2010 at 1:19 pm
I have to admit that you’re right about the skee ball thing. Man, making it in the perfect 5k point hole is a feeling like none other. But chuck e. cheese in general? Totally skeeves me out. Like I should constantly be covering myself in antibacterial. *shudders*
March 3, 2010 at 6:08 pm
Oh yes!!! I love Skeeball!!!!!
March 3, 2010 at 6:09 pm
I also like that game where you roll the ball over the hill and it’s supposed to come back and stay in the valley. You probably have no idea what I’m talking about. lol
March 3, 2010 at 6:29 pm
Now you’re picking on Muslims? Have you no shame? I am so with you on Chuck E. Cheese. Funny, funny post!
March 3, 2010 at 10:34 pm
Since you tagged this post with skee ball, I can only assume that we have other posts to look forward to on the same subject matter. (Diagram THAT sentence, English major!). Can’t wait!
March 4, 2010 at 10:41 am
Avery HATES Chuck E. Cheese. Score! The problem? The husband loves it. Because he’s a goofball. The place just gives me indigestion.
Also–yes, do fly down for a cake lesson. I’ll be making a sushi cake in a few weeks!
March 4, 2010 at 7:49 pm
This reminds me so much of God playing skeeball in Dogma. But it’s true, skeeball is the best.
March 11, 2010 at 1:06 pm
Although most of my friends believe that Chuck E. Cheese’s is the seventh ring of hell, I love it. If only because my children can run wild while I sit in a booth half comotase while stuffing my face with overpriced pizza and Cherry Coke. What could be better than that?