Grrr, or why Rachael Ray needs to meet a bad end.
March 4, 2010
Hi. My name is Kate and I hate cooking.
And this was no big deal until Aura arrived. Before that, there was take-out and there was defrosting and there were Trader Joe’s meat+ beans+ sauce entrées, but dinner was never An Event. Once in a while, just for chuckles, we’d spend a weekend afternoon making an actual meal, after which we’d congratulate ourselves heartily and draw historically inaccurate comparisons. “Look!” I’d yell gleefully to Adam. “We flambéed corn JUST LIKE THE PILGRIMS DID.”
Then Aura came along and I cut down on work. It seemed…obligatory that I take on the brunt of the cooking, and that it involve things like ingredients and pans and nutrition. So far, I think I’ve done passably, my quiches and Thai peanut noodles and buttermilk chicken uncolored by the hatred I feel while making them.
You know what I hate most? The pressure. And for that, I wholeheartedly blame:
Before the Food Network came along, a person could just tool around the kitchen, doing her best and then serving the end result. Yes, of course, some creations would be better than others. But that was to be expected, such as with, I don’t know, American Idol contestants, or children.
No longer. Now EVERYONE is an expert on cooking, because EVERYONE watches the Food Network. Hell, you don’t even have to cook to be an expert, not that this stops most people. The other day, Adam peered down at the cutting board as I was chopping. “Wait!” he exclaimed anxiously. “Is that a three-quarter-inch dice?”
“Um, it’s a dice alright,” I replied, my grip on the chef’s knife tightening. “I’m not sure how many inches it is.”
“Kaaaaateeee,” he moaned, shaking his head with a level of distress typically reserved for natural disasters. “If the dice is wrong, the entire dish will be wrong. DON’T YOU KNOW BETTER THAN TO MESS WITH THE SUGAR-PROTEIN MATRIX?”
I’m not sure, but I think that was right around the time I offered to three-quarter-inch dice his left testicle. Let me try to remember. Yep, it was then.
I place the blame for the matrix comment squarely on Alton Brown. You know where he can shove his food-chemistry diagrams? You get one guess.
From here on out, I’m instituting a severe weekly cap on how much Food Network people in this house can watch. That goes for Aura, too. The other day, she walked into the living room just in time to catch the end of a Rachael Ray episode. “Mommy!” she called excitedly. “This lady just made super yummy noodles and caramel cake for lunch!”
I sat down to join her on the couch. Slinging an arm around her, I said, “Yum! And you know what that lady likes to cook for dinner?”
Still wide-eyed with newfound adoration, Aura turned to me. “What?” she answered.
“Little girls,” I told her, then changed the channel.
March 5, 2010 at 7:16 am
I could honestly see Rachel Ray unhinging those massive lips and eating a little girl. She is a pretty frightening character, what with her odd laugh and her annoying ass nicknames for things.
When I first moved into my house, I had a great idea to have a dinner party with 12 different types of cereal. That went over like a fart in a submarine with my foodie friends. I feel your pain. Most nights I eat a turkey sandwich.
March 5, 2010 at 9:22 am
Left to my own devices I will eat…..just about anything in the house. Bonus points if it involves no dishes to wash when I’m done eating.
Really, there’s too much damned information out there. What happened to the time when I didn’t need to be an expert in everything? When I could just wing it?
Who are we kidding folks? I still wing it. I just don’t let my family watch cable.
March 5, 2010 at 9:23 am
“Kaaaaateeee,” he moaned, shaking his head with a level of distress typically reserved for natural disasters. “If the dice is wrong, the entire dish will be wrong. DON’T YOU KNOW BETTER THAN TO MESS WITH THE SUGAR-PROTEIN MATRIX?”
You’re allowed to say whatever you want when you make drinks like Ad’ Rock.
Hi. My name is Gary and I love Mai Tai’s and Manhattan’s.
PL&L
March 5, 2010 at 10:46 am
I hear ya on the Food Network! And let’s not even go there about HGTV – everyone thinks they’re a home decorator now. Oh the pressure!
March 5, 2010 at 1:16 pm
Oh my gawd, that ending is the funniest thing I’ve read. Freaking hilarious!
But seriously, i love the food network. All except that alton guy. Because, gah, I CAN’T STAND HIM. His voice GRATES on my nerves.
March 5, 2010 at 1:30 pm
I’m almost afriad to comment! But, I never ever claimed to be an expert – on anything food-related or otherwise. I prefer to think of “cooking” as “mucking about in the kitchen.”
March 5, 2010 at 6:10 pm
Good, scare her now; she’ll be much happier later.
Cooking beautifully night after night is sooo overrated.
March 5, 2010 at 6:36 pm
You had the best line there I’ve heard in a long time!!!!
March 5, 2010 at 9:57 pm
Rachel Ray’s voice sounds like a den of dying kittens. I cannot take her seriously. I’m an HGTV addict-makes me think I can build a gazebo, landscape my backyard, and lay a herringbone brick patio in a weekend. Yeah…right. I need the hunky Aussie.
Loved the post and thanks for shouting out on my blog. Laughed like crazy at the Sudafed-diet Coke comment. Oh, you’re a feisty one! I plan on using it!
Thanks again.
March 6, 2010 at 1:46 am
The day Aura walks in saying Yum-O or EVOO is the day you throw your TV out the window.
March 6, 2010 at 1:10 pm
LOL that is the funniest thing ever. I remember a show called How to Boil Water or something like that. It made me feel cool and shows like Rachel Ray just make me feel inadequate.
March 6, 2010 at 10:40 pm
Bahahahaha! Rachael Ray WOULD cook little girls for dinner. YUM-O.
I like to cook. But I’m a Southern girl. We’re taught to cook on the day we’re born. So here is my solution to you–come stay at my house for a week and I will teach you to love cooking.
I’m sure that Aura and my girls can fend for themselves while we’re busy. We’ll just toss them a green bean every now and again.
March 7, 2010 at 5:32 pm
See, the American Academy of Pediatrics is right: too much tv is bad for kids (and parents) Thanks for this informative post.
March 7, 2010 at 10:32 pm
You are so right about the Food Network! It does put so much pressure on us (I’m making a mental note to limit the amount of time we spend on that channel). Plus I love the end of this post. Right from the dicing of the testicles on. Thanks for a good laugh!!
March 8, 2010 at 12:13 pm
AMEN! I used to be addicted to Food Network and while I like to cook I always felt incompetent after watching all those cooks (and then hearing about how all my friends were cooking those recipes too). Now, we have the most basic of cable, no food network nor foodie magazines and I once again seem like an amazing, competent cook no matter what I put out for dinner
March 8, 2010 at 2:50 pm
Hey little miss… i have a little something for you over at my place – yay!
March 8, 2010 at 5:26 pm
Oooooh, AMEN SISTER! Say it again! I have no domestic skill in the kitchen (unless I’m cleaning it!). The only thing I watch on the food network? The ultimate cake competitions!
~Elizabeth
Confessions From A Working Mom
March 11, 2010 at 1:02 pm
OMG. Cannot stop laughing at this one. Over and over and over and over. And by the way, “I’m not sure, but I think that was right around the time I offered to three-quarter-inch dice his left testicle. Let me try to remember. Yep, it was then.” This is classic right here. Absolutely classic.
And in case you are interested, even though I *technically* like to cook (and by technically I mean during the pre-children era when I enjoyed all sorts of things that border on near-psychosis by post-children era standards like housework, keeping my car clean, staying up late to watch TV, movies with subtitles and deep messages, going to hoity toity museums, waxing my bikini line, wearing a bikini, etc.) ever since I’ve had kids, cooking has become the biggest chore around that I would prefer to never do. Along with cleaning, laundry, dusting, making beds, sorting toys, and so on and so forth. And that is why we eat burritos and/or soup and/or takeout 90% of the time in my house.
I’m banking on things getting easier as they get older. Just like I’m banking on finding a unicorn and the end of the rainbow in my backyard.
April 24, 2010 at 10:56 am
i want to meet rachel ray i love watching her show.
im a big fan how do i meet rachel ray
her fan maria