Next up: Jeans with an elastic waistband.
March 16, 2010
A month or so ago, Aura and I were rattling around the latest sale at Kohl’s. Painfully aware that my delicate underthings had lately been looking more threadbare than delicate, I directed Aura to follow me to the lingerie department, where I was determined I would find at least a couple of new bras.
As I’ve mentioned before, Aura is rather smitten with the idea of bras. Having been informed that she herself will not be able to wear a bra for another 10 or 12 or forever years, she took it upon herself to help me locate one. While I rifled through the underwires, Aura disappeared momentarily, soon popping back with an armful of ruffles and lace and hot pink. I’m telling you, if kindergarten doesn’t work out, I’m shipping her off to those stripper conventions in Vegas and calling her a really short salesperson. She’ll be in heaven, helping Candi/Bambi/Diamond find rhinestone-studded bras to match their g-strings.
Aura would also feel at home in Frederick's of Hollywood.
After more fruitless searching, I gave up, dragging a reluctant Aura away from the Maidenform racks. On my way out of the department, I noticed packs of Hanes underwear on sale. Normally I’m loyal to Calvin Klein underwear, but desperate times called for desperate measures. I tossed a package labeled “low-rise” something into the cart, too intent on making sure Aura hadn’t stashed a Wonderbra on her person to actually read the package.
When I got home, I didn’t give more than a fleeting glance to the new underwear as I threw them into the washer. I do remember thinking they looked a little…larger than I would expect. But I chalked that up to 100% cotton and the need to adjust for dryer shrinkage. That Hanes, I thought admiringly. Now there’s a company that thinks of EVERYTHING.
And then I slipped on a pair. At first, I was just confused, thinking that perhaps I had put a leg through the waist hole? Was wearing them inside out? Had accidentally sewn two together? Then it dawned on me: These were briefs. Unlike the low-rise bikinis I typically wear, or the very occasional thong I don when dressing up to go somewhere without coloring placemats, these underpants were BIG. Like cover-your-stomach-and-some-of-your-hips-and-maybe-a-third-of-your-thigh big.
So kind of like this. But without Lady Gaga, and bigger.
I really want to say that I hated them right away. Eeeeeeeehhhhhh. Hear that? That’s the sound of me trying to say that.
But I can’t. And you know why? I LOVE THEM. No, I don’t wear them during the day, when someone might see them peek over the waistband of my jeans or possibly get caught on the hem of my jacket. However, when I change for the evening, slipping on my old sweats and tying back my hair, you better believe I reach for a pair of these babies.
Such support! Such coverage! Such…stretchability! I tell you, I am a better, entirely more agreeable person wearing these—God help me—briefs. If Adam wants to go out and buy a bottle of rum that costs as much as a small sovereign nation? Sure! A charity telemarketer calls for a donation? Why not? Hell, when I’m wearing these suckers I’m apt to agree to support ALL of PBS’s New England stations, that annoying WordWorld and Antiques Roadshow be damned.
Big underwear has changed my life. In fact, it reminds me of a story Adam once told me about a coworker named Radu, who hailed from Romania but moved to the United States when he was about 30 years old. Every day at lunch time, Radu would go out and buy himself a big, steaming bowl of clam chowder. This went on for months and months. Finally, Adam asked him why he never bought anything else for lunch. And so Radu explained: “For 30 years, I never knew about clam chowder. Now that I know, I cannot waste any time.”
I TOTALLY GET WHAT HE MEANT.
March 17, 2010 at 7:19 am
Those are what my friend refers to as Empire State Underwear because they are as tall as the building that bears that name. We actually went to a Tom Jones concert (whole other oprah) and pitched those at the stage. I’m sure Tom’s roadies got a chuckle out of that. We nearly peed ourselves. Good thing the audience was so packed with elderly ladies, there were lots of folks to borrow a depends from. OK, now I have to write a post about this. . .
March 17, 2010 at 7:40 am
Put them on before you cook dinner, then let us know what happens.
March 17, 2010 at 8:24 am
Kate, thank you…I, too, have no more time to waste. Underwear shopping needs a manual all its own.
Just a “heads up”: I mentioned you in today’s post…I must tell you, I love your comments. Today I had trouble choosing my favorite!
March 17, 2010 at 8:55 am
I am making a Target run this weekend and now I’m thinking…should I add these to my shopping list? You certainly make them sound very attractive (even if they are in actuality very unattractive).
Oh hell now I have to get some just so I can put them on and yell “welcome to married life!!!” to my husband.
March 17, 2010 at 8:56 am
I’m sorry to be the one to break it to you, but it would appear that you’ve arrived. Where? At the age where comfort and common sense frequently overrules fashion and good looks. How do I know? Because I’m already there.
March 17, 2010 at 9:36 am
Hey! How did you get that picture of me in the Santa gear?
Seriously though, I have been aching and longing for a new bra. I’m really itching for something that doesn’t show in EVERY outfit I wear. That said, I have no desire to go back to my pre-pregnancy thongs. Screw that, my butt needs to be covered.
March 17, 2010 at 11:45 am
yeah, ever since being pregnant and wearing comfy underthings during that time, I am a changed woman. No briefs just yet (I mean, I do wear underwear silly) but definitely comfy cottony bras that Aura would not approve apparently.
March 17, 2010 at 11:49 am
on a side note- I finally subscribed to your blog today! What the heck was I waiting for? Anyway, I’m through with bookmarking this page now that I finally figured out how to become a dear, devoted (also sexy) reader of yours
March 17, 2010 at 1:14 pm
I buy my underwear at Walgreen’s, so I happily welcome you to the old fart club.
I love that Aura loves lingerie! I used to exclusively wear satin nightgowns to bed as a child, preferably with a matching satin robe, and now I own nothing with marabou feathers, so you might be okay.
March 17, 2010 at 4:43 pm
Hilarious! You and my sister could be best friends. She is a big undie kinda gal and doesn’t care who knows about it. (And she’s adorable and beautiful just like you!)I’ve never been able to get into them myself, but I must admit that I cannot handle thongs anymore either now that I am running around after children 24 hours a day. Having something up my butt all the time just doesn’t work with climbing around in the tubes at McDonald’s or rolling around on the floor pretending to be eaten by dragons or whatever. You know what I mean. But…I am ALL about elastic waistbands. Gotta love those.
PS Here is my post about “The Thong Conspiracy Theory” my husband has, if you want to check it out sometime.
http://organicmotherhoodwithcoolwhip.com/subBlog.asp?bID=71
March 18, 2010 at 6:56 am
I went underwear shopping with my mom (don’t ask) about a year or so ago, and we accidentally went home with each other’s purchases– meaning I had a few pairs of granny panties.
Let me tell you, I look forward to the days when those pairs of humungo panties end up at the top of the stack in my underwear drawer. I know that, no matter what else happens that day, at least my bottom will be comfortable!
~Elizabeth
March 18, 2010 at 11:37 am
Kinda like when you order something at a restaurant and it’s sooooo unbelievably good that you can never order anything else ever again for fear that it won’t live up to the greatness that is your very favorite item. And then that one day, you do order something different and you just want to kick yourself because it’s nowhere near as good and why are you wasting your time on food that isn’t FULLY KNOWN to be fabulous? Okay, that’s not really the same, but kinda. In the not wanting to waste valuable time on bad stuff arena.
Anyway.
Undies like that are great for lounging, agreed. I admit, I have some too. You know where else they’re great? Under skirts. That’s all.
March 18, 2010 at 8:54 pm
I have underwear I only wear at night. Not at all provocative – but comfy – and you are right! They do put you in a better mood!!
March 19, 2010 at 1:24 pm
I’ve always been ahead of the times because I discovered the comfort of granny panties while I was still in college. One of the only things I learned. Well, that and how to make a pipe out a toilet paper roll.
March 19, 2010 at 8:34 pm
I still can’t seem to buy underwear that fits. I always tear open the packages in Target, hold the things up and think to myself, “Surely these will fit because my arse is not THAT large.” Then I get them home, wash them, and POOF. I end up with another 6 pairs of panties that are too small for my rather ginormous rear end.
March 24, 2010 at 2:11 pm
I think the moral of the story is, “when you find something you like, stick with it.”
That goes for clam chowder or big undies.
I bought these great shoes a few years back and now they’re getting worn down and I wish I had bought five pairs. But who the hell does that?
ME from NOW ON!!!!!
May 6, 2010 at 5:28 pm
Oh, boy…I know.
It has come to comfort first for me,too.
It sounds like a car wreck, but: it all happened so fast!
May 31, 2010 at 11:51 am
I love my briefs and I don’t care if they show in the back. Comfort first!